The first time I ever felt gender envy vs attraction, I didn’t know that’s what it was.
I thought I just had a thing for cheerleaders. Pretty, confident, always smiling. They had that bounce in their step, that way of owning the space around them. I figured it was a crush—just regular attraction like any other boy.
But that wasn’t the full story.
There were these little flashes. Fleeting thoughts that didn’t feel like desire. They felt like longing. Not to hold her hand. Not to kiss her.
To be her.
That ache? I’ve felt it before—in totally different places. Like this moment I wrote about with Disney princesses.
Gender Envy vs Attraction at the Football Game
I remember sitting in the stands at high school games, barely watching what was happening on the field. I was too focused on the girls on the sidelines.
Their hair. Their skirts. The way people looked at them.
At the time, I told myself I just liked them. But that didn’t explain the ache I felt. It didn’t explain why I wanted to wear what they were wearing or move the way they did. Not just stand next to them. Be in their place.
That’s when gender envy vs attraction started getting blurry.
What Gender Envy vs Attraction Actually Feels Like
Here’s what I wish someone had told me:
Attraction is wanting to be with someone—physically, emotionally, romantically.
Gender envy is wanting to be like them, or to live the life they seem to have.
When I looked at the cheerleaders, I felt both. But because I didn’t have the language, I lumped everything under “crush.” It was safer that way. Easier to explain.
But deep down, I wasn’t confused about what I wanted. I just didn’t think I was allowed to want it.
Bring It On: The Cheer That Stuck
I’ve seen Bring It On more times than I should probably admit. And it wasn’t about the plot.
That opening cheer always got me:
“I’m sexy! I’m cute! I’m popular to boot!”
They weren’t just performing. They were announcing who they were—unapologetically, confidently. And I didn’t just admire that.
Not as a joke. Not as a costume. Just… for real.
I wanted to feel that.
Yes, I Still Catch Myself Wanting It
Even now, as an adult, gender envy vs attraction still shows up in small moments. Sometimes it’s in a glance at someone’s outfit. Other times it’s more direct—like when I find myself scrolling through websites that sell actual cheer uniforms.
Not the Halloween costumes. The real ones. Custom sets with embroidered tops and pleated skirts that move the way they’re supposed to.
I’ve never bought one. They’re not cheap, especially if you’re just ordering a single set. And honestly, I’m not sure how I’d feel wearing it.
But the fact that I still want to says something. That envy is still living inside me, even when I don’t always know what to do with it.
It’s not the first time I’ve danced around the edge of this feeling. College brought up a lot of the same questions.
Letting Myself Feel Both
What I’ve learned is that gender envy doesn’t cancel out attraction. And attraction doesn’t erase envy. You can feel both. You’re allowed to feel both.
Understanding gender envy vs attraction didn’t make the shame go away. It still pops up, quietly. But I’m learning not to run from it. I don’t shove it down anymore.
It doesn’t mean I’m broken. It doesn’t mean I lied to myself. It just means I didn’t have the words before.
Now I do. And I’m figuring out what they mean for me.
You’re Not Alone
If you’ve ever looked at someone and thought, “I wish that was me,” this might be part of your story too. If you’ve ever confused gender envy vs attraction, or felt both and didn’t know what to call it—you’re not alone.
So yeah. I wanted to date the cheerleader.
But more than that?
I wanted to be her.
And honestly? Part of me still does.
Have you felt that too?
Drop a comment or just say “same.” I’d love to hear your story. 💖
💜 This is a small part of my personal journey. Want the full story of how I figured it all out? I broke it all down here:
Crossdresser vs Transgender: How I Finally Figured Out Who I Am
2 Comments
Lukas · August 21, 2025 at 4:21 am
Thank you so much for this blog! Your post about crosdresser vs. transgender spoke to me a little, and I thought, well yeah I see myself somewere there too. But this one was different. You just gave me the words I have been looking for, for such a long time. One situation that comes to mind: Walking through the metro station and looking at a girl, thinking “wow you are so beatiful”, though without any actual attraction. It made me question if I’m actually gay (which I call myself pretty openly), because it just didn’t fit in, with my concept of myself. But it just made click, thank you for that! 🩷
Charlotte Sparkle · September 28, 2025 at 2:06 pm
What a great post Michelle.
Reading this really struck a chord with me. For as long as I can remember, whenever I see women with certain hairstyles, outfits, body shapes, or even their breasts, it stirs something deep inside me. It’s not attraction in the usual sense—I don’t want to be with them, I want to be them. I’ve never quite known how to put that feeling into words, but the way you framed it with gender envy feels exactly right.
Thanks
Lotte x