I don’t usually get overly emotional on this blog. Most of the time, I try to keep things educational or just explain whatever is happening in my life. But lately, this feeling of transgender loneliness has been hitting me hard. And the whole point of this site is to help people feel less alone. So today, we’re talking about it.
What Transgender Loneliness Actually Feels Like
Most days it feels like I have to stay hidden. Like I can’t talk about my feelings. Like I have to dress the way people expect instead of the way that feels authentic. Even around the people who do know I’m transgender, it feels like walking on eggshells. Constantly calculating what’s “too much” or “too soon.”
I don’t really have anyone in my everyday life who understands what I’m experiencing. Statistically, only about 0.8% of people are transgender. In a company of 450 people, that means maybe three or four of us. Spread across 20+ locations. Probably never interacting. And even if we did? The chance we’re in the same stage of life? Even lower.
I have the community here. And on social media. And on Discord. And I love all of you. But it’s not the same as having someone physically in your life who really gets it.
Layer on top of that the political climate and the fact that I live in the middle of a very red state in the Bible Belt. You can imagine how isolating it gets.
Why Transgender Loneliness Hits So Hard
There’s no one around me with shared experience. No one who fully understands the emotional weight I’m carrying. Even when people want to help, they don’t always know how to. Safe spaces are limited and outlets are few.
Honestly? A lot of days it feels like my therapist is the only person I can truly talk to. She’s wonderful, don’t get me wrong. She has empathy, but she doesn’t have the lived experience. And some days, that gap feels huge.
As I write this, I realize I might be making assumptions about her experience in the community. I’ve never actually asked, and it isn’t really my place to. But it still leaves me unsure of how much she truly relates.
How Transgender Loneliness Shows Up Day to Day
At work, I often feel disconnected from myself. I dress in a way that fits the expectations around me because of the boundaries my wife and I agreed on. A lot of my day ends up spent thinking about gender and trying to navigate those feelings quietly, which makes everything feel heavier. And honestly, I spend a lot of time mentally planning posts for this blog because it’s one of the few places where I feel like I can express what I’m actually feeling.
Because of all that, I feel inauthentic at work. I can’t show my coworkers who I really am, so every interaction feels slightly off. It makes me feel like a fraud, like I’m performing an expected version of myself instead of actually being myself. And when you’re not showing people who you really are, it becomes almost impossible to truly connect.
Friendships come with their own complications too. I constantly filter what I say because I don’t want to confuse anyone, overwhelm anyone, or cross boundaries in my relationship. So I pull back. I disconnect. And even when I’m surrounded by people, I still feel like I’m carrying everything alone.
What We Can Do About Transgender Loneliness
Honestly, this is why I have this blog. It’s small. It’s low pressure. And it’s important.
Here are a few things that have helped me:
- LGBTQ spaces
- Online support groups
- Discord communities
- Making new transgender friends
- Building connections one at a time
- Letting supportive people in slowly
- Not cutting non-transgender people out of your life
- Teaching and guiding people when they’re open to learning
Transgender loneliness is real. I feel it deeply. And I know I’m not the only one.
You’re Not Alone Even When It Feels Like You Are
This post is me venting, but it’s also me reminding myself that these feelings are valid. They’re heavy. And they’re part of the process. We don’t have to pretend we’re fine just because we’ve made progress somewhere else.
We’re allowed to feel lonely.
We’re allowed to struggle.
And we’re allowed to take up space while we figure it out.
One day at a time.
One small step at a time.
Just don’t forget to take care of you.
Have You Felt This Too?
If you’ve ever dealt with transgender loneliness, I’d love to hear your story. What helped you? What still feels hard? Your experience might be exactly what someone else needs to read today.
4 Comments
Amanda · December 6, 2025 at 2:17 am
There is so much in this post that I empathise with but I perhaps see it from a different angle than you.
There have only been two occasions in my life when I have met like minded souls in the real, as opposed to the online, world. One was the trans proprieter of BWBG in London who I visited for a makeover and photo session and the other was an online friend. In both cases, the opportunity to talk about this side of myself freely and openly was a revelation but it’s not something that I crave., in particular because the meeting with the online friend (which came after the makeover) felt performative rather than natural.
These days, my CDing is generally prompted by a desire to be out and about. I ‘fly solo’ on all my outings but, as a loner, that suits me fine. For me, the sense of loneliness is heightened when I interact with others; I’ve had some wonderful encounters and the realisation firstly that no one seems to care who or what I am and secondly that I could live my whole life in this way if I wanted to leads me to want social contact not as ‘Amanda the CDer’ but just as ‘Amanda’.
Whether that will ever happen is doubtful, largely because I doubt my wife’s tolerance would stretch that far. As I said above, I am a loner so I can manage just fine but as you say, it would be nice to be able to talk openly about this side of myself with others rather than having to constantly hide it.
Michelle · December 15, 2025 at 12:39 pm
Totally get wanting connection as you, not as “Amanda the CDer”. I think that’s such an important distinction. Being seen as a whole person instead of a category or performance matters so much. Sometimes I feel like this side of me is treated as a “hobby”.
I also relate deeply to navigating all of this within the limits of a relationship. Even when you’re capable of managing on your own, that quiet wish to be able to talk openly without filtering never really goes away. Flying solo works… but it doesn’t erase the loneliness entirely. At least not for me.
Sue Richmond · December 14, 2025 at 1:34 am
Even though you live in a red bible belt state, there must be some LGBT support group or even a transgender group in your state. I felt alone until the internet came along and that helped me find out that there were meet-up groups, dressing services, online forums and trans-related events. Making trans friends for a face-to-face or heart-to-heart very much changed my life for the better. Just being with other people who also do and felt how we do is so reassuring.
If you don’t have a support group near you, you could set one up. I notice Hannah McKnight’s blog on your blogroll and she set up MN-T Girls in Minnesota for just this reason. Similarly, Lynn Jones of YATGB blog runs the Chameleons in England and she may have some useful thoughts. There are lots of trans/CD people out there and I’m sure were are way more than the 0.8% you quote.
Sue xx
Michelle · December 15, 2025 at 12:41 pm
You’re absolutely right. There are support groups here, and I’ve looked into several of them. Unfortunately, there’s been a fair amount of controversy locally over the past couple of years. It’s made it harder for some of us to feel comfortable stepping in.
I’ve actually thought more than once about starting something new. Try to unite people who feel a bit left out or disconnected from existing spaces. I just haven’t quite made it there yet. But I love the suggestion, and hearing examples like MN-T Girls and the Chameleons is genuinely encouraging.
And yes, being in a room with people who get it in a lived way really does change things. Even knowing that option exists makes the loneliness feel a little less permanent. Thank you for the reminder. 💕