Suppressing My Feminine Side: The Silent Battle I Fight Every Day

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Hey, lovelies.

Crossdressing is something I’ve come to need, to want, and to embrace—but it’s also something I feel I have to hide. The world doesn’t always look kindly on gender nonconformity, and for me, the societal judgment is one of the hardest parts of this journey. It’s not so much about direct judgment I’ve experienced from others, but more about the fear of what would happen if people knew. I’ve learned to suppress and compartmentalize this side of myself at every turn. And honestly, that’s become part of my routine. It’s a constant balancing act that often feels like I’m living in two worlds.

Note from Michelle:
This post originally appeared on my old blog, Crossdresser Chronicles. I’ve moved it here because it still reflects an important part of my journey. Some details may be out of date, or lightly updated to fit where I am now.
👉 Read more about why I brought these posts over.

The Pressure to Conform: Living in Two Worlds

I live in a world where I’m expected to be a husband, a father, and a professional. These roles come with certain expectations, and society’s gender norms are rigid. The pressure to conform is real. I know the effect it would have on my career—on my kids—and most of all, on my sense of belonging in the world. If I were to walk around in public fully dressed, or even just express my femininity in an obvious way, I can’t help but feel judged. I’d be labeled a freak. People would talk. I’d lose respect, lose relationships, and lose my place in a world that’s built on traditional gender roles.

That’s why I intentionally suppress this side of me. It’s not just something I’ve done once or twice—it’s an everyday choice. I suppress my feminine energy in every interaction with society, at work, at school events, and especially with my kids. I’ve created an environment where I keep that side of myself entirely separate—from my public life and private life. The only space I have to explore it is when I’m alone. And that’s a tough pill to swallow.

The Disconnect: Hiding My Feminine Side

As much as I want to express my feminine energy and let it show in my everyday life, I can’t. I’ve had to learn to live with that disconnect—where the real me is stifled by societal expectations. It’s difficult because, for a long time, I thought I could just fully transition and it would be easier. I truly believe that, in some ways, I would be more accepted if I fully transitioned into a woman. People expect women to be feminine—it’s not something that stands out as much as a man stepping into femininity. But for now, I’ve made the choice to live with the conflict of keeping this part of me locked away.

There are days when I feel the need to express my femininity, but I have to hold back. Whether it’s because of my role as a father or my professional life, I suppress the urge. It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting, but it’s the reality I’ve accepted. I’ve become an expert at hiding this side of myself, not because I want to, but because I don’t know how to deal with the consequences of being fully open about it.

The Role of This Blog: An Outlet for Self-Expression

So, why did I start this blog? Honestly, it’s one of the few ways I can express myself while still hiding in plain sight. This is my creative outlet, my space where I don’t have to hide. I can express my thoughts, my feelings, and my experiences with crossdressing and gender identity, without judgment. It’s a small but meaningful way to stay connected to who I am, even if I can’t do so publicly. It allows me to create and reflect on parts of my identity that I don’t feel free to share anywhere else.

As much as I want to talk about setting boundaries, boosting self-confidence, or offering advice to others about navigating societal pressures, the truth is, I’m still figuring it out myself. I don’t have all the answers, and I’m not the best person to tell anyone how to navigate these pressures just yet. What I do know is that suppressing this side of me is draining—mentally, emotionally, and even physically. But I’ve learned that it’s okay to have spaces where I can be me, even if they’re private and small.

The Struggle of Suppression: A Constant Battle

It’s frustrating, though. The longing to be fully myself in a world that doesn’t accept or understand crossdressing is hard to manage. The emotional cost of suppressing this side of myself is something I feel deeply. The disconnect I feel between the two versions of myself—one for society and one for myself—can be exhausting. But it’s the reality I’ve accepted, even though it doesn’t always feel fair.

Final Thoughts: Learning to Coexist

At the end of the day, I know I’m not alone in this. Many of us are in a similar position, trying to balance our authentic selves with the pressures of the world. It’s tough, and it’s draining. But I’ve come to accept that I don’t have to explain myself to everyone. I don’t have to wear my femininity on my sleeve—but it’s still part of me. It’s still important.

As long as I have spaces like this blog where I can be myself and connect with others, I’m able to cope with the strain of living in two worlds. It’s okay to not have all the answers or to be fully open in every aspect of my life. The key is learning how to balance these sides of myself and finding peace with it, even if it’s just a little bit at a time.