Another week of gender therapy is behind me. And in this week’s session, my therapist gave me something to think about: How can I become more feminine in my everyday life?
It’s a simple question. But not an easy one.
I’ve honestly struggled to write this article, because it already feels like I’m doing just about everything I can without starting HRT. It’s not that I’m holding back—I’ve made a lot of changes. But there’s a point where the next steps start pushing into territory that could either raise questions I’m not ready to answer, or shift dynamics at home in ways that need to be handled carefully.
So instead of repeating everything, I focused this post on the next step: looking at what else I might try if I keep asking myself how can I become more feminine, one day at a time.
What I’m Already Doing to Feel More Feminine
I’ve already changed a lot about how I live. Most of it’s quiet—things like:
- Wearing femme-leaning clothes at home
- Using feminine lotion, shampoo, and deodorant
- Growing out my hair and adjusting my posture
- Journaling daily in a cute notebook
- Wearing sports bras or bralettes when I can
- Working out and eating to reshape my body
I’ve talked about many of these in other posts, like this one:
How to Feminize Your Body Without Hormones
So instead of repeating everything, I focused this post on the next step: looking at what else I might try if I keep asking myself how can I become more feminine, one day at a time.
Easy, Subtle, Almost Invisible Changes
These ideas wouldn’t change much on the surface—but they’d still help me feel more aligned. They’re low-risk, low-effort, and most of them could be added in quietly.
- Femme socks or slippers. I’d love a pair of those femboy transgender thigh-highs. And bunny slippers? Yes, please. Love bunnies.
- Feminine water bottles, mugs, notebooks. I want everyday things that reflect me. Soft colors.
- Layering camis or tanks. I do this sometimes, but want to feel more comfortable with it. Wider straps would help. (So would cooler weather. Freaking 110F/43C heat index…)
- Cute pajamas. I wear an oversized pink tee and soft shorts sometimes, but I’d like something a little cuter—and to wear it more regularly.
- Feminine bathrobe or towel wrap. I already wrap my hair after showers. But having one just for me would feel really affirming.
- Leave femme books on my nightstand. I check everything out from the library, but I want to read more trans-focused books—and keep them out.
- Listen to femme or LGBTQ+ music intentionally. I already do, but not on purpose. Making it a conscious choice could feel a little more intentional.
- Work on posture, every day. This costs nothing. But it matters. No rigid chest-forward stances—just soft awareness of how I carry myself.
When I think about how can I become more feminine in a way that doesn’t disrupt my life too much, these kinds of changes feel like a natural place to start.
Things That Would Take a Little More Investment or Be More Noticeable
These next steps would be a little more noticeable—or cost a little to get started. They’re not huge leaps, but they nudge femininity out of the private and into the everyday.
- Pluck or shape my eyebrows. I’ve been wanting to. I’m just scared. A professional shaping might help me get started.
- Exfoliate more consistently. I need to figure out what products work for my skin. A small investment, but I think it’s worth it.
- Paint my nails (again). Last time I used polish, my wife said it looked too good. It made her nervous. I’ve held off since. But I miss it. Maybe just a base coat/top coat?
- Wear femme lounge clothes more often. I’m building a small wardrobe, but I want to expand it—flowy tees, soft joggers, cozy cardigans.
- Add subtle jewelry. A bracelet, maybe a soft ring. I don’t wear jewelry right now, but I’d like to start.
- Use a feminine purse or tote. My current wallet and backpack feel completely wrong. I want something that feels more like me.
- Start layering in explicitly feminine items. A neckline here. A soft fabric there. Things that gently condition people around me to the idea that this is who I am.
If I’m really committed to figuring out how can I become more feminine, these feel like the next steps I can take without needing to make big declarations.
Bigger Feminine Steps That Would Involve My Wife’s Comfort Too
These are the things I couldn’t—and wouldn’t—do alone. They affect our home, our family, and our dynamic. I’d need real conversations and shared understanding before any of these could happen.
- Dressing more nights a week. I usually only dress when my wife is out. But she’s said she’s okay with it at home. So maybe… more often?
- Going out in public dressed. She’s not comfortable with that yet. I respect that. But it’s still something I think about.
- Solo trips as Michelle. I dream about it—just being myself for a weekend. But it would take planning, and her support.
- Booking a hotel or Airbnb. Same idea. Same conversation.
- Attending LGBTQ+ events. I want this. Pride. Meetups. Support groups. But they’re often out of town, and she’d be holding things down at home.
- Traveling together with me dressed. This one feels big. It’s one of my deepest wants—but also one of the farthest away.
- Finding queer-affirming friends or support groups. I need this. Like, I really need friends locally. I just don’t know how to find it yet.
- Seeing my stylist or therapist dressed. Both know. But going as Michelle means being out in public. I’d need to talk that through with my wife.
- Making space in the closet. Right now, my clothes live in a tote in the garage. I want to bring them into the house—just a drawer, or one side of the closet. But that’s a shared space. And it’s not a small change.
None of these are out of reach. But they’d change how I move through life—and how I show up in shared space. And that’s not a conversation I want to shortcut.
Final Thoughts
I don’t have a checklist. This isn’t about “feminine enough.” It’s about continuing to shape a life that reflects who I really am.. Because even though I’m not on hormones and haven’t transitioned, I’m still figuring out what femininity looks like for me. And part of that is giving myself permission to explore, even quietly.
So when I ask myself, how can I become more feminine, this is what I come back to: small steps, honest reflection, and gentle progress—paired with patience and care.
And honestly? Just putting this list together reminded me that I’m not stuck. I’m not done. There are new things I can try.
I don’t have to rush. I just have to keep showing up—and keep moving toward the version of me that feels most like home.
Have you done anything like this?
What small things helped you feel more feminine in your everyday life?
6 Comments
Amanda · July 30, 2025 at 1:54 am
Nice post and I particularly liked your approach regarding the ‘bigger steps’ you identified, some of which I’d like to pick up on.
Going into the outside world has had a huge impact on me. I don’t do it much but it’s now a major part of the impetus for retrieving the stash when circumstances permit. It is very much a double edged sword, though. On the one hand, it feels amazing to be out and about with most passers by oblivious to what lurks beneath the feminine presentation and those that do realise – people interacted with – don’t care. I’ve had some wonderfully affirming conversations with sales assistants and a waitress but, to be clear, I interpret that affirmation as that it’s OK to be me, not that they unconditionally accept me as a female – they may or may not, I don’t know and it would be wrong to assume it.
However, on the other hand it’s very much a genie out of the bottle situation. My wife agreed to DADT and I’m certain that in so doing she never for one moment envisaged me leaving the house fully dressed and made up. She’s going to retire sometime soon and I have no idea whether, and if so how, I’m going to approach my need to do this with her. What I hope for is perhaps spending one night a month away from home with DADT remaining in place but it’s not easy.
Going out of the house is both exhilirating and an anticlimax with feelings of both ‘I did it!’ and ‘what was I worried about?’ – in the end, we’re only doing what we always do, just dressed a little differently. The worry is ‘what if someone I know sees me’ – that’s a much higher risk when leaving/ entering the house dressed but quickly reduces to near-zero once out of the immediate vicinity of home.
For you, I guess the question is what is your wife worried about that has caused her to air her concerns to you? Common wifely worries are firstly that you’ll be recognised, secondly that harm will come to you and thirdly that it’s just another step on the way to being a trans widow. The recognition aspect can be dealt with by changing in neutral territory – budget chain hotels are ideal. The harm aspect needs reassurance that you won’t put yourself in risky situations; shopping centres are ideal as they’re busy and people are preoccupied with other things. The trans widow issue is the hardest as we all know that history is littered with broken marriages where the husband has reassured the wife that it’s just crossdressing only to transition a few years down the line. Only you know where your life is going.
If going out, and then doing the other derivative things on your list, is important to you, which I sense it is, then start the dialogue with your wife sooner rather than later. We’re all different but I think that many of us would say that once we get the idea that we need to be in the outside world into our head, it quickly becomes a powerful obsession. I have absolutely no regrets about doing it, and have a couple of outings in the offing over the next couple of months, but hate the idea that I am doing it behind my wife’s back to the point where I am now stuck between a rock and a hard place, so to speak.
Good luck!
Michelle · July 31, 2025 at 9:14 am
Yeah, I don’t have answers either. Half the time I’m just trying to survive the tension between what I want and what I think I’m allowed to want. You talking about the hotel thing—god, I’ve thought about that exact scenario like fifty times. Cheap room, packed bag, one night just to breathe.
And the wife thing? It’s brutal. You want to respect the line, but you also start realizing that staying inside it means swallowing yourself whole. That fear of becoming “too much” is always there. Even when you’re just painting your nails or something.
I don’t know. I’m tired of pretending the wanting will go away if I just wait it out. It won’t.
Amanda · July 31, 2025 at 11:34 am
It’s very difficult. I’ve had to confess twice to my wife, the first time was a royal screw up, the second I don’t think I could have handled any better (thanks in no small part to Kandi Robbins’ ‘Open Letter’) and the outcome was better than anything I could have ever dreamed of. But there’s still the issue of overstepping her boundaries.
What set the second time apart was that, by then, I could see the detrimental impact that my feminine side was having on my male life – not because ‘she’ was competing with ‘him’ but because trying to suppress her was making me withdrawn and irritable. And that was on good days, meltdowns also happened from time to time. When I was finally able to articulate that to my wife and she could see the extent I was falling apart, she put her own prejudices to one side and our marriage improved considerably pretty well straight away.
There are obviously two ways that this can go. Having free reign to live one’s feminine side can result in an increasing and eventually overwhelming desire to transition in some shape or form. Equally, and this is what happened in my case, it can enable the itch to be scratched when necessary so that things don’t spill over.
One promise I made to my wife which I will keep without any doubt is that I will keep this well clear of our marriage and I sense that your head is in much the same place given your point about respecting the line. Equally, though, as I said above, if it’s not managed it will encroach and this is something I’m finding again now where opportunities have more or less disappeared other than the two planned outings I mentioned and irritability is intensifying as a result.
The short answer is therefore to talk to your wife; I’m happy to discuss the longer answer with you if you want to take this to a more private arena – presumably you have my email address attached to reply notifications but, if not, let me know and I will contact you via the blog contact page.
Michelle · August 11, 2025 at 8:22 am
That’s actually a really smart way to frame it—showing her what happens when you try to shove it all down instead of just… needing more. I’ve never really thought about it like that, but yeah, it’s not about “more dresses” or “more nights out.” It’s about not going hollow inside.
And you’re right—if it’s not managed, it starts spilling over whether you want it to or not. That’s the part that scares me, because I know how fast I can get there.
Charlene · August 20, 2025 at 8:58 am
Michelle & Amanda,
Oh my, reading your thoughts is like, “how did these 2 ladies know. I have never met them before. ”
So glad, yes so relieved to find the camaraderie of someone who understands both the dressing dynamic AND the conscious deliberate choice of being non-transitioning. (at least at the moment)
Blessings
Charlene
Charlene · August 21, 2025 at 4:06 am
Hi Michelle & Amanda,
I find my circumstances somewhat similar to yours, yet with a different twist.
I have opened up to my wife about my inherent femininity. She understands and accepts this about me, but has her limits. She permits dressing around the house, but I haven’t pushed the boundaries too far. When dressed it is very much her husband wearing woman’s clothes. This is helpful for me but it so increased the inner desire for a far more feminine presentation.
I am trans. I am a woman. My desire is that she understands and accept that about me. She knows that I want to be a woman, but she hasn’t grasped or she consciously denied the fact (probably for her own inner peace) that I want to be a woman because I am one. To her that would mean she is in some fashion a lesbian relationship.
She knew before we married (second for both of us.) that I struggled with my gender. She accepted that struggle. But at that time I hadn’t accepted that I actually was trans and a woman at my core. Those acceptances on my part changed the dynamic for me for her.
Michelle in explaining the reason for your blog you use the word messy. Yes, I agree.
Kindly,
Charlene