Faking masculinity started early for me—long before I had a word for it.
As a kid, I never felt like one of the guys. I naturally clicked with girls more. It wasn’t something I thought about—it just felt easier, safer, and more comfortable. The boys around me seemed to move through the world with a confidence I couldn’t match. I didn’t understand them, so I tried to mimic them.
💜 This is a small part of my personal journey. Want the full story of how I figured it all out? I broke it all down here:
Crossdresser vs Transgender: How I Finally Figured Out Who I Am
Faking Masculinity in a Small-Town Sports Family
I grew up in a small town—less than 5,000 people. Everyone knew each other. My parents went to school there. My grandpa taught there. Most of my uncles and cousins were local legends in sports. Their names were literally etched in the concrete at the football stadium.
So sports weren’t just encouraged—they were expected. Masculinity was expected.
I gave it a shot. I played baseball and, honestly, I was good at it. But even on the team, I felt out of place. My teammates bonded in a way that didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t get the jokes. I didn’t love the competitiveness. It felt like I was acting the whole time.
Honestly, I wanted to be a cheerleader. I wrote about that here.
Finding Myself Through Music (and Letting Go of the Script)
Eventually, I left baseball for band and choir. A knee injury helped with the timing, but the truth is—I already loved music. Theater, orchestra, choir—I dove into all of it.
Of course, being a guy in theater came with assumptions. People had opinions. But I didn’t care. It was the first place I felt seen.
Even the Quiet Friendships Weren’t Safe
I did have one close guy friend when I was young. He liked books and kept to himself—just like I did. We didn’t fit the usual mold, and people noticed.
We got teased for it. Not harshly, but enough to remember. Enough to realize we weren’t acting “boy” the right way.
Faking Masculinity to Blend In
By high school, I had a group of guy friends. But I still felt like an outsider.
Every Monday morning, they’d talk about the weekend’s football games. I didn’t watch them. I didn’t care. But I didn’t want to seem weird, either. So I started listening to sports talk radio on the way to school. I memorized names and stats, then repeated them back like they were my own thoughts.
That’s what faking masculinity looked like for me—quiet, constant adjustment. Not lying. Just surviving.
Stuck in Between
As we got older, boys and girls started splitting into their own groups. Dating made it worse. Suddenly, hanging out with the girls wasn’t “normal” anymore—but being with the guys still didn’t feel right.
I didn’t belong in either space. I floated between them, trying to find my place. Always shifting. Always observing.
It Didn’t End After High School
Even now, I still find myself doing it.
My kids are in Scouts. When the parents gather, the dads usually group together, and so do the moms. Without thinking, I end up next to my wife and the other women. I’m quieter there, but I feel more at ease. With the dads, I still feel like I’m acting.
It’s not just because I’m introverted. It’s that same feeling from before—I’m playing a role I never signed up for.
Learning to Let Go of the Act
Over time, I’ve learned to appreciate sports a little more. My wife’s family is big into college football. Game days. Tailgates. The whole thing.
I like being part of it. I understand the game now. I can follow the plays. But I’m not there for the competition—I’m there for the people. And that’s okay.
I no longer force myself to perform interest I don’t feel.
I Wasn’t Failing—I Was Faking Masculinity
For a long time, I thought I was just bad at being a guy. I wasn’t man enough. I didn’t try hard enough. But now I see it differently.
Faking masculinity wasn’t about being dishonest. It was about surviving.
I played a role because the world didn’t give me space to be anything else.
Now, I’m trying to stop performing. I don’t need to memorize stats or nod along with jokes I don’t understand. I don’t need to “pass” as one of the guys.
I just want to be me.
Even if that doesn’t come with a label.
Even if I still feel out of place sometimes.
Because being honest is finally starting to feel more comfortable than faking it ever did.
That’s a big part of why I started this blog—to stop performing and finally say it out loud.
2 Comments
Jeanie · July 21, 2025 at 10:25 pm
Even though I feel that I am more stereotypical masculine than what you present here. I relate to a degree.
Siblings likely effect your perception of gender. I have an older brother and even older sister. The dynamic was him and me vs her. I looked up to him and wanted to do what he did. I liked sports through I was not naturally good at them. I wasn’t effeminate acting but was sensitive and had trouble fitting in. I am kind of that stereotypical trans nerd (software engineer), but with masculine side. I love sports and stats, but my sports fandom is more cerebral.
I was a larger (husky) kid. One side effect of being chubby kid was developing gynecomastia which gave me prominent puffy nipples. I thought is was a side effect or even punishment for fantasizing. about becoming a girl. Having breast buds caused me to never feel 100% male. It was handy for filling out my sister’s bra when I went through the dressing phase.
This was the early ’80s and “transexuals” were a thing I read about in the National Enquirers that my grandma gave us. I was fascinated and jealous, but didn’t feel like I was quite one of them. I liked a lot of us stereotypical “guy” stuff and I liked girls.
I was able to “dam off” that feminine desire helped by me starting to lift weights for high school football which gave me a masculinity that I could get into.
I was able to keep that side of me dammed off until my ’50s. Ironically the dam broke during a mid-life “get jacked” phase where I got back into weights for five years.
When my daughter played sports I tended to end up with the moms to the point my wife would nudge to do stuff with the dads.
Michelle · July 22, 2025 at 9:07 am
I’ve never thought about it like “damming off”, but yeah… it’s weird how we find ways to make ourselves fit when we don’t feel like we do.
And yep, software dev here too. I’m right there with you on loving stats but I’ve never cared about the games themselves. Unless we’re talking eSports, ironically. (My nerd is showing!)