Faking Masculinity: I Was Never One of the Guys

Faking masculinity started early for me—long before I had a word for it.

As a kid, I never felt like one of the guys. I naturally clicked with girls more. It wasn’t something I thought about—it just felt easier, safer, and more comfortable. The boys around me seemed to move through the world with a confidence I couldn’t match. I didn’t understand them, so I tried to mimic them.

💜 This is a small part of my personal journey. Want the full story of how I figured it all out? I broke it all down here:
Crossdresser vs Transgender: How I Finally Figured Out Who I Am

Faking Masculinity in a Small-Town Sports Family

I grew up in a small town—less than 5,000 people. Everyone knew each other. My parents went to school there. My grandpa taught there. Most of my uncles and cousins were local legends in sports. Their names were literally etched in the concrete at the football stadium.

So sports weren’t just encouraged—they were expected. Masculinity was expected.

I gave it a shot. I played baseball and, honestly, I was good at it. But even on the team, I felt out of place. My teammates bonded in a way that didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t get the jokes. I didn’t love the competitiveness. It felt like I was acting the whole time.

Honestly, I wanted to be a cheerleader. I wrote about that here.

Finding Myself Through Music (and Letting Go of the Script)

Eventually, I left baseball for band and choir. A knee injury helped with the timing, but the truth is—I already loved music. Theater, orchestra, choir—I dove into all of it.

Of course, being a guy in theater came with assumptions. People had opinions. But I didn’t care. It was the first place I felt seen.

Even the Quiet Friendships Weren’t Safe

I did have one close guy friend when I was young. He liked books and kept to himself—just like I did. We didn’t fit the usual mold, and people noticed.

We got teased for it. Not harshly, but enough to remember. Enough to realize we weren’t acting “boy” the right way.

Faking Masculinity to Blend In

By high school, I had a group of guy friends. But I still felt like an outsider.

Every Monday morning, they’d talk about the weekend’s football games. I didn’t watch them. I didn’t care. But I didn’t want to seem weird, either. So I started listening to sports talk radio on the way to school. I memorized names and stats, then repeated them back like they were my own thoughts.

That’s what faking masculinity looked like for me—quiet, constant adjustment. Not lying. Just surviving.

Stuck in Between

As we got older, boys and girls started splitting into their own groups. Dating made it worse. Suddenly, hanging out with the girls wasn’t “normal” anymore—but being with the guys still didn’t feel right.

I didn’t belong in either space. I floated between them, trying to find my place. Always shifting. Always observing.

It Didn’t End After High School

Even now, I still find myself doing it.

My kids are in Scouts. When the parents gather, the dads usually group together, and so do the moms. Without thinking, I end up next to my wife and the other women. I’m quieter there, but I feel more at ease. With the dads, I still feel like I’m acting.

It’s not just because I’m introverted. It’s that same feeling from before—I’m playing a role I never signed up for.

Learning to Let Go of the Act

Over time, I’ve learned to appreciate sports a little more. My wife’s family is big into college football. Game days. Tailgates. The whole thing.

I like being part of it. I understand the game now. I can follow the plays. But I’m not there for the competition—I’m there for the people. And that’s okay.

I no longer force myself to perform interest I don’t feel.

I Wasn’t Failing—I Was Faking Masculinity

For a long time, I thought I was just bad at being a guy. I wasn’t man enough. I didn’t try hard enough. But now I see it differently.

Faking masculinity wasn’t about being dishonest. It was about surviving.

I played a role because the world didn’t give me space to be anything else.

Now, I’m trying to stop performing. I don’t need to memorize stats or nod along with jokes I don’t understand. I don’t need to “pass” as one of the guys.

I just want to be me.
Even if that doesn’t come with a label.
Even if I still feel out of place sometimes.

Because being honest is finally starting to feel more comfortable than faking it ever did.

That’s a big part of why I started this blog—to stop performing and finally say it out loud.