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Hey, lovelies.
Let’s talk about something real today—the mental toll that comes with not being able to fully express this part of myself as much as I want. Crossdressing has become a part of who I am, and honestly, it’s something that helps me feel connected to my true self. It’s not just about clothes; it’s about accessing this feminine energy that makes me feel more whole. But sometimes, not being able to express this side of myself is mentally exhausting.
Note from Michelle:
This post originally appeared on my old blog, Crossdresser Chronicles. I’ve moved it here because it still reflects an important part of my journey. Some details may be out of date, or lightly updated to fit where I am now.
👉 Read more about why I brought these posts over.
The Struggle of Balancing Life and Crossdressing
I’m the sole breadwinner in my family. My wife is the best stay-at-home mom, taking care of our kids, who are all still in elementary school. The idea of daddy dressing like a girl would be so confusing to them, and I can’t risk disrupting their understanding of me and my role in the family.
My wife, while she doesn’t fully support my crossdressing, tolerates it. After the kids go to bed, I can dress up a little, and on the one night a week she goes out with her friends, I can dress up completely and really explore that side of me. But that’s it—that’s all I have. And, honestly, it’s frustrating. I’ve finally found something that helps me feel more balanced and at peace, but because of society’s expectations and the role I’m expected to play in my family, I’m severely limited in when and how I can explore that part of myself.
Craving Girl Mode
The more I suppress it, the more I crave being in girl mode. When I can’t dress, it’s like it’s all I think about. I’m at work, and I can’t crossdress—not that I’d want to at work, but it’s hard to not think about it. I know some people would be accepting. We even have a trans coworker in our department, so it’s not like people aren’t receptive. But the shame and the fear of judgment are strong.
As much as I want to express myself fully, the thought of doing so in a space where I’m expected to be professional and uphold certain norms just makes me feel like I’m breaking the rules—and I know that’s all in my head. But it doesn’t make it any less mentally taxing. The internal conflict of wanting to express myself while simultaneously feeling embarrassed and ashamed takes a toll on my mental health.
Living in Limbo
This constant back-and-forth—wanting to be more fully myself versus playing the role I’m expected to—drains me. There’s only so much I can express in those few hours when the kids are asleep or during that one night a week. And even then, the mental exhaustion starts creeping in when I’m not crossdressed. I feel this disconnect. It’s like, a part of me is just locked away, and I can’t fully be who I am.
It’s not that I don’t love my family. It’s not that I don’t cherish my role as a father and husband. But I’m mentally drained from trying to fit into this mold, while this other part of me is crying out for release.
The Emotional Toll of Suppression
I think the hardest part is knowing that I can’t fully explore this side of myself without consequences. The guilt, the shame, and the mental fatigue that comes with suppressing my desire to crossdress—it’s all so taxing. And as much as I try to suppress it during the day, the longing for expression never really goes away. It lingers. It makes every task feel heavier.
Finding a Way to Cope
I’m not sure there’s a perfect answer to this. But journaling, creative outlets, and small moments of self-expression have been my coping mechanisms. I know that even though I can’t fully express my crossdressing in the way I’d like, I can still access that part of myself in other ways. Maybe it’s through writing, maybe it’s through some small gesture in my daily routine that brings me closer to that feminine energy.
It’s a journey, and I know I’m not alone in this. Many crossdressers deal with similar struggles. The key is finding balance, knowing that it’s okay to take your time and be gentle with yourself. The mental strain is real, but we can manage it—one step, one expression, one understanding at a time.
6 Comments
Amanda · July 13, 2025 at 1:56 am
Once again, you have entered my mind and articulated my thoughts perfectly.
My kids are adult but the pressures remain exactly the same. Perhaps their maturity would enable them to understand things more now but even so, this is something I want to keep well away from them and opportunities are scant as a result.
As you quite rightly say, the whole thing is draining. We try to keep our two sides separate but suppression of one side inevitably impacts on the other. And to make matters worse, we can’t discuss it fully with those we hold dearest. We know life would be so much simpler if we could just concentrate on the roles that nature has bestowed on us but have learned the hard way that trying to force that, far from simplifying them, makes everything far more complicated. Many is the time that I’ve had to be either economical with the truth or just outright lie to my wife when asked what the matter is but the last thing I want to do is to shift my issues onto her just to appease my own feelings.
Like you, I write to maintain some semblance of sanity and whilst it helps a lot, in the end there’s no substitute for being able to experience the physical manifestation of the inner woman and seeing life, however fleetingly, through her eyes.
Michelle · July 13, 2025 at 9:42 am
It’s like we think we’re being noble by carrying it all ourselves, but it still bleeds through, doesn’t it? I totally get the guilt of not wanting to burden our partners, even when we’re quietly falling apart inside. And yes, writing helps, but you’re so right—there’s nothing quite like being able to exist as her, even for a little while.
Lynn Jones · July 13, 2025 at 4:15 am
Yes, the near constant ‘masking’ – to borrow a neurospicy term – does indeed come with a significant level of mental heavy lifting.
The second guessing, so you don’t show interest or overshare if colleagues mention trans rights, fashion, and/or the issues with office attire.
Then there’s the self censorship where you don’t talk about what’s on your mind – at home, with friends, or colleagues.
To top it off nicely /S you lock it down because it’s not safe to be out *and* yet the feelings of who were are naturally – to borrow Amanda’s beautiful turn of phrase – does feel like swimming the wrong way against a fast current.
There are, as you comment, little things that help take some of the strain away. Having people you can be open and yourself with, that’s worth so much. Not having to bottle everything up, and wait until it’s safe; that’s tough, so finding time where that can happen, I think that helps relieve the stress pressure valve.
Michelle · July 13, 2025 at 9:43 am
Lynn, yes—this captures it so perfectly. That “mental heavy lifting” is exactly what it feels like. Constantly scanning every conversation, every reaction, every comment we don’t say out loud. It’s so exhausting trying to stay just visible enough to not disappear… but not too visible that we draw the wrong kind of attention. And you’re right—the smallest moments of authenticity, when we can just be ourselves without the weight of all that masking? Those are everything.
Jeanie · July 13, 2025 at 6:52 am
I likely have a weaker inner feminine spirit hence I thought I put “it” behind me for decades. I relate to this. Currently I see myself as kind of a “Two Spirit” with a weaker feminine one, but “she” still wants to be expressed and the “he” needs a break.
Michelle · July 13, 2025 at 9:43 am
That feeling of thinking you’ve left it behind—only to realize she never really left at all. Even if she’s quieter, she still matters. And I love how you phrased that: sometimes “he” just needs a break. I think so many of us live in that push-pull space, and there’s no shame in it. We don’t have to be all or nothing. Just honoring both sides when we can is a powerful thing.