I’m still a little embarrassed to use sex toys. Even though I absolutely love them.
That part surprised me, honestly. I’ve done so much emotional work—on gender, on shame, on figuring out how to live in this weird in-between space. But this? This one still gets me. Even now, I’m embarrassed to use sex toys.
Where It Started—and Why I Got Embarrassed to Use Sex Toys
For me, it started with clothes. Dressing in girl mode opened a door. I started asking questions—not just about how I looked, but how I moved, how I felt, and what I wanted.
That’s what eventually led me to try anal play. That’s when I bought my first dildo. And that’s when I realized there was a version of me who was curious, open, and quietly terrified of what that meant.
The shame didn’t come from the toys. It came from everything I thought I was supposed to be.
Why Being Embarrassed to Use Sex Toys Still Hits Hard
I think what gets me isn’t the act—it’s the isolation. I’m not hiding anything from my wife; she knows. She doesn’t shame me. But this part of me is mine alone.
Because she’s not into it—and I would never push—it becomes something private. Quiet. Unspoken. And that silence makes it feel like something to be embarrassed about, even though I know it isn’t.
That’s the weirdest part: I’m not ashamed of what I like. I’m ashamed that I like it alone.
Girl Mode Helps, But It Doesn’t Erase It
When I’m Michelle, I stop fighting it. The shame loosens. The expectations fade. I’m allowed to explore and enjoy without that background noise of “what would someone think if they saw this?”
Girl mode doesn’t erase the shame completely, but it makes it easier to hear what I want, not just what I’ve absorbed.
In that space, I’m not embarrassed to use sex toys. I’m just me.
The Double Standard No One Talks About
Here’s the reality:
- Women using toys? Cute. Empowered.
- Men using toys? Maybe a little weird.
- Men using toys that go in? Suddenly it’s gay or “degrading.”
- Crossdressers using toys? Taboo. Fetish. A joke.
None of that’s real. It’s cultural noise. We’re fed a script about what pleasure is “supposed” to look like, and when we deviate, we internalize the judgment.
That judgment has nothing to do with what’s actually healthy, normal, or joyful.
I’m Still Embarrassed. But I’m Not Hiding
So yeah. I’m still a little embarrassed to use sex toys.
But I’m not pretending anymore.
This is one of those messy, complicated truths I’ve decided to just live with. The shame may never fully go away—but I don’t owe it my silence. Not anymore.
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