The night I came out as transgender to my wife wasn’t planned.
There wasn’t a big setup or dramatic moment.
I just hit a point where I couldn’t keep it in anymore.
For months, I had been journaling—pages and pages—trying to understand what I was feeling. Gender stuff. Identity. What it meant for me, for our marriage, for everything.
And then one night, I told her.
Before I Came Out as Transgender, I Thought I Was Just a Crossdresser
For most of my life, I used the word “crossdresser.”
It was the only label I had. And honestly? It felt shameful.
I hid it. Even from her.
Eventually she found out, and while she wasn’t mad about the crossdressing itself, she was hurt that I had kept it secret from her. Totally fair.
She didn’t shut me down.
She gave me space. Not fully supportive, but tolerant enough to let me figure things out.
Realizing It Was More Than That
That space gave me room to notice things.
I started realizing that what I was doing wasn’t just dressing up.
It wasn’t a phase. It wasn’t just sexual.
Everything about femininity—the emotions, the way I moved, the way I connected to myself—just felt right.
It wasn’t about the thrill anymore.
It was about identity.
And it didn’t go away.
Journaling Helped Me Understand Before I Came Out
I started writing to make sense of it all.
What I was feeling. What I wanted. How it affected our relationship. My sense of gender. My body. My sexuality.
And at some point, all that writing built up to a moment I couldn’t avoid.
I told her I was transgender.
I handed her the journal.
And I asked her to read it.
What Happened When I Came Out as Transgender
She said she’d read it—and she did.
But after that, we kind of stopped talking about it for a while.
I don’t know what she was thinking.
It felt like maybe she didn’t believe me.
Like she thought I was just going through something. Stress, trauma, maybe even depression.
We didn’t fight.
But we didn’t talk about it either.
It just… sat there.
Slowly, the Conversations Started Again
Eventually, we started talking.
Carefully. Slowly. Piece by piece.
She asked what I wanted. Full transition? Just dressing at home?
We talked about the kids. Our future. What this would mean for everything.
It wasn’t easy.
But it was real.
Coming Out Is Harder When It’s Close to Home
My wife has always said she’s an LGBTQ ally.
She’s part of the community herself.
But it’s different when the change is in your own house.
When it’s your marriage on the line.
When your partner comes out as transgender.
Supporting from a distance is easy.
Living with it isn’t.
She’s Trying—Even If It Doesn’t Always Feel That Way
I still don’t think she totally believes me.
Not yet.
Sometimes I feel like I’m just tolerated.
But she hasn’t shut me down. She hasn’t walked away.
She’s encouraged me to talk to a therapist.
Someone who specializes in gender and trauma, depression, stress.
She wants to make sure we’re not missing something.
And honestly? That feels fair.
I’ve officially started gender therapy. You can read all about that first gender therapy session here.
After I Came Out as Transgender, We Had to Start Somewhere
This is a massive shift.
Not just for me—for us.
And if I’m asking her to walk through this with me, I need to be open to her concerns too.
So I booked therapy appointments.
One was literally today. Another is tomorrow morning.
We’re starting the process.
I Don’t Regret How I Came Out as Transgender
I don’t know where this will go.
But I’m glad I said it.
I’m glad I told her.
And I’m glad we’re talking.
Even if it’s messy.
Even if it’s slow.
It’s real. And it’s happening.
Have You Come Out to Your Partner?
If you have, how did it go?
If not—what’s holding you back?
You’re not alone. 💬
1 Comment
Charlotte Sparkle · August 17, 2025 at 4:53 pm
Hi Michelle, great post!
I hid cross-dressing from my Wife for a few years. We got married, we bought a house and we had children. I thought my dirty secret would go away but it didn’t. The pink fog was thick and it was consuming. My head was a mess to the point that I thought about walking to the top of a peak in the Lake District and allowing myself to fall asleep so hypothermia could take me. I would play that scenario over and over in my head, often when driving home from work each evening. I would cry my eyes out in the car. I was proper falling apart.
Luckily for me I found the strength to open up to my Wife. I sobbed like a baby the night I confessed all. I told her about my secret life as a cross-dresser and how the urge to dress was getting stronger and driving me to do things that a normal male wouldn’t do. She sat and listened and tried to understand, it was so hard for her, but she was a rock. I think she was more relieved that my confession wasn’t me telling her I had been seeing someone else behind her back but she was hurt that I had been spending behind her back, treating myself to female attire that was ultimately keeping the attic warm.
I got the usual questions, are you gay, do you want to be a woman. I knew I wasn’t gay, I love the female form too much. As to whether I wanted to be a woman, at that point in time I didn’t know. I was still trying to find myself out, understand the reasons for my behaviour, the urges, the impulses and the constant distractions that I faced daily due to being this way. I learnt plenty of new words at such as transvestite, transgender, autogynephilia and transvestic fetishism, and questioned where I fitted in on the spectrum.
I hated the term transvestite and much preferred the term cross-dresser if a label was needed. I thought about labels for a long time, was I transgender, maybe so. Did I ever want to transition, probably not. Was it a kink? At first yes especially around puberty but not so much now, its deeper, its not just sexual any more, its more than that and hard to explain..
I wasted a good few years trying to find myself, having to deal with my own guilt, self-hatred and disgust. I went through cycles of purging followed by purchasing of clothes, heels, wigs, makeup and anything else that would make me look and feel feminine. I rode the highs and lows and with my wife’s support I was able to weather the storm and arrive at a better place..
Lotte x